Time for a new start?

It's only apt, having not posted anything for over two months, that I come back with in style ! And what may that be? A desire to start something new in my life. A new beginning of something. I've lived my life exactly how I've wanted to - for the most part - and I've enjoyed it. But increasingly I've come to realise that almost every action in my adult life has always been focused on the 'here and now'. There's been no long-term planning, no vision, no grand plans, just a single-minded determination to complete something in the present. Joy as this approach has brought me, part of me has come to realise that in the long-run (or medium-run !) it is self-destructive.

My thought process was altered considerably by events of the past week. I fell sick last weekend, sicker than I had ever been my whole life. As a devoted pessimist, my mind was conjuring colourfully macabre images. The sickness itself was a consequence of just the kind of short-term view I take on most things. Suffice to say that I brought it upon myself (details available on request!!!). I haven't fully recovered, but feel well enough to type this blog.

Where do I go from here, is what I ask myself? What action(s) do I take to feel like I've made a genuine difference to my life? I feel like I cannot 'decide' or 'plan' this change. Instead, I've just got to live it. Every day. From small actions to major decisions, I just have to act in that moment, act and choose like I mean to act and choose - not just 'live the moment'.

I don't know if there is a God. I hope there is one. I've never been a religious person because I despise religion. But God, I've gone through phases of believing and being indifferent, and not believing. Now, more than ever, I hope there is a God. To make me feel like I deserve what I get, but also to have faith in something. To make me want to change, to feel like I owe it to myself, to many other people. Maybe this God is just conversations with myself. Honest conversations. I don't know. I'd like to think it's more than just me.

It's time that change came.