Musings...or more

Misdirected. Questions. Hindsight. Self-destructive. Selfish. Aimless. Caring. Emotional. Alcoholic. Hard-working. Trapped. Giving. Self-doubting. Loving.

If only life was clear. It makes sense so many times, but mostly I'm just floating along life, without meaning, without direction, without a sense of who I am or what I'm meant to do. I ignore. I get carried away by the current or the tide. But it haunts. It returns. This feeling that despite every thing I have, despite every body I know, despite all the happy times I've had, life is meaningless. I'm not sure what meaning it is supposed to have. But it seems empty. A blank.

I should stop thinking like this perhaps. It's pointless. I don't get answers, but only more questions. Maybe it's just best to keep floating. Eventually I'll reach somewhere.

What is my calling? Increasingly it seems like life is beating me to a race - a long race - that we started together. I'm getting tired, but life is running and not tiring. I want to rest. But the increasing gap between life and me won't let me rest. I must carry on. I must not tire. Eventually I'll catch up.

How do I achieve peace? Happiness. A sense of self-quiet. A feeling that life is good. Not this nagging feeling that this is not how it was meant to be. Perhaps I need to take a break. Not a holiday. But a break. A break from life. Like finding a tree and just sitting under its shade while I watch life keep running ahead. May be I need to watch life running, but sitting under that shade, smile to myself with this feeling that I don't need to run like that. I need shade. I need rest. When I am recovered, I will not run, I will just be. And my being will encourage life to take some rest. To stop.